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9 Signs You’re Toxic (And What to Do About it)

A while back, I shared 10 reasons why you’re unhappy in your life, and what to do to be happier. The second item on the list was spending too much time with toxic people. The solution was simply common sense — stop spending time with toxic people.

But what if you’re the toxic person?

You can’t exactly stop spending so much time with yourself, can you? The good news is that you don’t have to be that way. You can make changes to your attitude, mood, and behavior that will affect all of the relationships in your life, including your relationship with yourself.

9 Toxic Things You Might Be Doing

People we think of as toxic often have red flags in how they act. It’s usually pretty easy to see those signs in other people. It’s not as easy to notice when we’re the ones who send out those warning signals.

Here’s a list of 9 toxic things you may be doing.

1. You Manipulate Others

Therapist Rebecca Hendrix says that manipulation is “communicating in a roundabout way.” This is how that might look in real life:

• Not telling someone what you really want when you ask them to make a choice.
• Making someone feel guilty if they don’t say yes to you.
• Giving someone the silent treatment.
• Making promises that you don’t keep.

If you will go to any length to get your way, there’s a good chance that you’re manipulating people in some way. You can learn about how to let go of manipulative behaviors in this article.

2. You Are Not Self Aware

You can’t change something about yourself if you don’t see it. These are some warning signs that you may be doing toxic things without knowing it.

• People always get mad at you and you’re not sure why.
• Your reaction to things doesn’t always fit the situation.
• You are often surprised when someone tells you how they feel.

If you keep getting stuck in the same bad situations, you might need to work on your self-awareness.

3. You Judge Others Constantly

Toxic people are judgmental most of the time. You may be toxic if you see things in black and white — something is either wrong, or it’s right. This can also look like jumping to conclusions about people based on first impressions or appearance.

When you judge others without thinking about the whole story, you may hurt others — or yourself. You can take this quiz to discover how judgemental your behavior may be, and find some areas where you can practice compassion instead of judgment.

4. You Talk About People Behind Their Backs

You may be toxic if you’re always ready to spill the tea, especially if it makes someone else look bad.

Gossiping can be a way to try to fit in with the crowd or a way to distract others and hope they don’t notice your own faults. No matter the reason, gossip is always harmful to other people. It also hurts the person doing the talking because no one really trusts someone who talks badly about others behind their backs.

5. You’re Jealous

People who are jealous usually feel that they’re not good enough in some way. When you’re jealous, you may act in ways that hurt others. Even worse, jealousy is a waste of your time and energy. When you spend your time being jealous, you have less time and energy to work on things that are good for you.

6. You Blame Others When Bad Things Happen to You.

When bad things happen, it’s always someone else’s fault. Blaming someone when things go wrong is easy and comforting. If it’s someone else’s fault, you don’t have to apologize or accept any blame. You certainly don’t have to fix anything. You can learn more about how to recognize when you are blaming others, and take responsibility for your actions, in this blog post.

7. You Think You’re Better Than Others

People who think they’re better than others often use it as an excuse to be rude to others or dismiss their feelings and opinions. If you always think you know best, you may miss out on learning new things or finding new ways to solve a problem. You’ll definitely miss out on knowing interesting people.

8. You Don’t Apologize

Do you do any of these things when someone says you hurt their feelings?

• You say you were just joking around.
• You say they have no sense of humor.
• You think they’re being too sensitive.

Not being able to admit you were wrong, even when you know you were, is another toxic trait. People who do this often believe that if they do something wrong or hurtful, they must be a bad person. They can’t admit to mistakes without changing the way they see themselves.

9. You Make Other People Feel Bad About Themselves

This one is really the bottom line — toxic behaviors make people feel bad about themselves. This isn’t just about other people, though.

People who think and act in toxic ways can hurt themselves, too. If you recognize that you do toxic things and you’re ready to change, read on for some tips on how to stop being toxic, not just to others, but to yourself.

How to Stop Being So Toxic

Work on Your Self Awareness

One of the first steps to becoming less toxic is figuring out what harmful things you do. These tips can help you learn more about yourself.

• Take this quiz to learn more about how you think about yourself.
• Ask people you trust to tell you how they feel about you. It can be scary to ask someone to tell you bad things about yourself, but it’s one of the surest ways to find out how other people see you. This blog post has some good questions you can ask to make it easier.
• Use a journal to help you recognize your negative thoughts. Journaling can also help you see how you’re doing. As an added bonus, this UCLA research project found that keeping a journal can make you more sensitive to other people.

Shift Your Thinking to Positivity

• Learn to recognize when you’re talking negatively to yourself. Negative self-talk makes it hard to be happy. This article from Harvard talks about 10 different kinds of negative thoughts and how they affect you.
• Check out my tips for getting out of a negative rut and start being happy again. I include a lot of resources that can help you banish your toxic traits.
• Practice mindfulness. One of the main things you learn in meditation is to recognize how you feel, and then let it go. Once you let go of negative or distracting thoughts, you can shift your focus back to things that matter.

Practice Self-Care

• Self-care is more than being nice to yourself. It’s about taking care of yourself on a very real, practical level. Do the things your body needs to be healthy. Eat foods that make you feel good. Get outdoors and exercise. Start new, healthy habits. When you feel good about yourself, it’s easy to be good to others.
• Try something new. A new hobby or a new club challenges your brain and makes it easier for you to listen to new ideas. Harvard Business Review says they may make you a better person, too.
• Spend more time actively listening. It will help you notice when you are doing something that’s hurtful to others, and to yourself.
• Learn to set and respect boundaries. When you set good boundaries, other people know what to expect from you. When you respect their boundaries, you are less likely to accidentally hurt them.

The Bottom Line

One of the most important things to remember when you are trying to stop doing toxic things is this: you are not toxic even if you sometimes act in toxic ways. You’re not changing who you are. You’re just learning to act in ways that make you healthier and happier.

If you want more tips on how to transform your life for the better, check out my book Life Hacks: Simple Steps to a Healthier Life. If you liked this article, please consider giving it a clap and following @wellnessmadeeasy on Medium for more simple ways to improve your life.