Friend, Partner, or Co-Worker Doing one of These 14 Things? Stay Away.
Do you have people in your life that make you tired? Are you letting other people drag you down? If so, it’s time to change, ASAP.
That’s because studies show the people around you can have a very real effect on your emotional, physical, and mental health. One study even found that social strain can increase the risk of heart disease in women.
That ties into one of my core beliefs, and something I talk a lot about in my book. The way you spend your time — including who you spend it with and what you do — is important. The people in your life can make you happier and healthier, or they can keep you from being the best you can be.
But exactly how do you recognize when you’re in a relationship that’s bad for you? There are always red flags. I’m about to dig into 14 signs that you’re in an unhealthy relationship and share some resources to learn more about them.
Here’s a quick list of signs you should stay away from someone:
- They only call you when they need something.
- You always do what they want to do.
- They often say things that hurt your feelings.
- They don’t get excited for you when things go well.
- You feel like you can’t be yourself around them.
- They put you down in front of other people.
- You’re constantly afraid you’ll say something that will make them angry.
- You spend a lot of time wondering what you did to upset them.
- They want you to spend all of your time with them.
- You often feel tired after spending time with them.
- You feel like they take advantage of you.
- You notice yourself feeling resentful.
- They try to control what you do and who you see.
- They make you second guess your memories and feelings.
1. They Only Call You When They Need Something
Everybody knows someone like this — you only hear from them when they want something from you. They never call you just to hang out, and if you’re the one who needs something, they’re always too busy.
What It Might Look Like
If your first reaction when you see their name on the Caller ID is “what do they want THIS time?”, you’re probably dealing with someone like this. This might be fine when it’s your boss. It’s not so cool when it’s your best bud — or even a family member.
How This Can Hurt You
If you recognize this relationship is purely transactional, it’s probably not a problem. It can head into problems when your expectations of the relationship are different. You may end up saying yes to things you don’t want to do just to please the other person, or give up time you’d rather spend doing other things. It also can leave you feeling like they only value you for what you can do, not for who you are. In either case, you’re spending less time doing the things that are important to you, and more time doing things that you resent.
2. You Always do What They Want to do Instead of What You Want to do
In a healthy relationship, each person gets what they want, at least sometimes. Whether it’s a friendship, a romance, a coworker, or a sibling bond, the mark of a good fit is that you can compromise when you disagree on things. If you always end up doing what they want to do, there’s some kind of imbalance at work.
How This Can Hurt You
Let’s start with the obvious. You spend a lot of time doing things you don’t want to do, and that’s a recipe for being unhappy. As I’ve said before, the key to being happy is to spend most of your time doing things — and being with people — that make you feel good. It can be very stressful to spend your time with people who ignore what makes you happy. Stress has a whole list of harmful physical effects, including
- headaches and migraine
- stomachaches
- digestive problems
- heartburn
- weakened immune system
- high blood pressure
- trouble sleeping
- heart disease
- diabetes
- high blood pressure
3. They Often Say Things That Hurt Your Feelings…
…and they don’t even seem to notice. If you point it out to them, they tell you it was just a joke. People who care about you don’t insult you or make you feel bad. When you tell them they hurt you, they don’t defend themselves. They apologize and stop doing it.
How It Can Hurt You
Obviously, it doesn’t feel good to be with someone who keeps hurting your feelings, but it goes deeper than that. When someone you care about constantly belittles you and makes you feel ugly, stupid, or worthless, you start believing it.
It can affect your self-esteem and can warp the way you think. You may start blaming yourself for the abuse — because this is abuse. And to be clear, while a lot of the research published on this is about women in abusive relationships, it applies to people of all genders, and all kinds of relationships.
4. They Don’t Get Excited or Happy for You When Things go Well
Not long ago, I heard a story about a woman who was nominated for an important poetry prize. When she told her husband, he said, “That’s nice. It’s too bad you’ll never make any money writing poetry.” It completely deflated her joy. It’s nice to have people who will support you when you’re feeling down, but it’s also important to have people around you who share your joy and excitement.
How It Can Hurt You
In this case, you’re missing out on the benefits of celebrating and being celebrated. Good friends will celebrate with you and be happy for you. Bill Carmody, CEO and founder of Trepoint, gives three reasons why celebrating your wins is important.
- Celebrating strengthens your mental and physical health. Celebration releases feel-good chemicals in our brains. Those chemicals also help reduce stress and anxiety.
- Celebrating together makes friendships and relationships stronger.
- Celebrating your wins publicly lets others know you’re a winner, and attracts more success.
5. You Feel Like You Can’t Be Yourself Around Them
You deserve to be with people who accept your whole self. If you’re around people who only accept you when you look and act a certain way, it’s impossible to have a real connection. If you feel like you constantly have to pretend to be something you’re not — or hide important things about yourself — when you’re around certain people, you may need to make some changes. (I talk more about how to do this in the second part of this article, which you can find HERE.)
How It Can Harm You
- You’re telling yourself that you’re not good enough to be accepted as you are. You can check out this article to understand the impact this type of negative self-talk can have on you.
- You’re not spending time and energy on relationships where you can be celebrated for who you are.
- You’re using a lot of emotional energy to keep up appearances. That will affect the energy you have for doing the things that matter to you.
- Masking can have serious effects on your physical and emotional health, including 1) anxiety; 2) depression; 3) exhaustion; 4) loss of identity; 5) increased suicidal thoughts.
6. They Put You Down in Front of Other People
When someone puts you down in front of other people, it’s a big relationship red flag. They’re telling you that you’re not worthy of basic respect. You deserve better than that.
How It Can Hurt You
I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but here goes. When someone does this to you often enough, you start to believe it. It damages your self-respect. It takes away your motivation. It adds stress to your life. It makes you angry. All of those things can make your emotional and physical health worse.
You can check out this article from Confidence Coach for a deep dive into what to do when others put you down.
7. You’re Often Afraid You’ll Say Something That Makes Them Angry
If you always have to watch what you say around someone because they might get angry, it’s not a healthy relationship. Whether it’s an explosive boss or a roommate who gives you the silent treatment for no reason, dealing with an unpredictable person is stressful.
How It Can Harm You
Being around someone who is often angry is stressful. I’ve already talked about how stress harms you, but what about anger? Science says emotions are contagious. When you spend a lot of time around angry people, you are more likely to get angry.
Anger is linked to many health problems, including headaches, high blood pressure, heart conditions, trouble sleeping, skin problems, and poor self-care.
8. You Spend a lot of Time Wondering What You did to Upset Them
The keywords here are “a lot of time.” If you find yourself lying awake at night worrying that you’ve upset a friend, it’s a sign that there’s something unhealthy going on. This may sound like dealing with an explosive person, but there’s a key difference: most of the time, you may not even be sure that your friend is upset, or that they’re upset with you.
How It Can Hurt You
The problem here is how much energy you’re putting into worrying about something that you can’t affect, and that may not even be happening. It causes stress, and I’ve already talked about how damaging stress is, both physically and emotionally. And honestly, the more time you spend worrying, the less time you have to enjoy your life.
9. They Want You to Spend All of Your Time With Them
Jealousy is one of the major red flags in any relationship. We all need a variety of relationships to be healthy and happy. If you’re with someone who resents time you spend away from them, it’s a clear sign that you should stay away from them — or at least, spend less time with them.
How It Can Hurt You
Jealousy and possessiveness are early warning signs of an abusive relationship in the making. A jealous partner or friend may try to control you in other ways. Over time, jealousy can damage the trust you have in each other and destroy your relationship.
10. You Often Feel Tired After Spending Time With Them
Some people are just exhausting, though — and I mean that literally. It takes a lot of energy to deal with a negative person. When a visit to someone leaves you feeling tired, frustrated, or depressed, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
How It Can Hurt You
When you spend time with people who drain you and make you tired, you have less energy for the things you want to do. You may feel burned out or lose the motivation to do other things. And of course, you only have a limited amount of time in the day. When you choose to spend it with someone who pulls you down, you have less time for doing things that build you up.
11. You Frequently Feel Like They Take Advantage of You
In healthy relationships, both people give sometimes and take sometimes. Things aren’t always even, of course. But If it always feels like you’re giving — and giving more than you planned — to your friend, then you may be in an unhealthy relationship.
How It Can Hurt You
You end up spending your time doing things for someone else instead of the things you want or need to do. Scott Bea, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic says that one-sided relationships like this can cause depression, anxiety, and poor sleep habits.
If the other person has power over you — like a boss or your romantic partner — it can be a source of ongoing stress, which can make you more prone to headaches, heart disease, stroke, and many other physical illnesses.
12. You Find Yourself Feeling Resentful
Resentment is a hint that you’re not getting something you need in a relationship. It’s often a sign that you need to spend less time and energy on that relationship.
How It Can Hurt You
Resentment is a form of anger, and I’ve already talked about how anger can affect your health and wellness.
When you feel resentment, you feel like things outside your control are making you unhappy. You feel stressed, and helpless to fix the things that are stressing you. That can eat away at your self-esteem, and take away your pleasure in things you usually enjoy. It can also damage your relationships with other people.
13. They try to Control What You do and who You See
This is a common red flag for romantic partners, but it happens in other relationships, too. You’ll often see people ban friends from hanging out with someone they don’t like. The micromanaging boss or overbearing parent are two other types of controlling people. That kind of behavior is manipulation. It’s a form of bullying, and it’s not okay.
How It Can Hurt You
When you have a controlling friend, boss, parent, or partner, it can make you doubt yourself and your judgment. You may find yourself doubting other friends. It can damage your self-esteem. In extreme cases, it can affect your work and make you sick.
14. You Find Yourself Wondering if You’re Remembering Things Right
Gaslighting is a type of relationship abuse that can make you wonder about your sanity. It’s not always easy to recognize, but it is always a sign that you should stay away from someone.
How It Can Hurt You
Gaslighting can have lasting effects on the person who experiences it. They include
- anxiety
- depression
- loss of identity
- isolation
- loss of self-esteem
- feeling worthless
- increased risk of suicide
Final Thoughts
If you want to be happy and successful, surround yourself with people who believe in you and support you. Invest your time and energy in your physical and emotional health, and it will pay off in better relationships and a happier, healthier you. You can learn more about what to do if you spot any of these red flags in my follow-up post to this article: How to Handle the Top 14 Relationship Red Flags.
Follow me here for more tips on how to be healthier, happier, and more successful. For even more great tips, check out my book, Life Hacks: Simple Steps to a Healthier Life.
If you liked this article, please consider giving it a clap and following @wellnessmadeeasy on Medium for more simple ways to improve your life.
