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How to Handle the Top 14 Relationship Red Flags

I just published a post exploring the top 14 signs you should stay away from someone. In that article, I took a deep dive into relationship red flags, and how these types of behavior can prevent you from living the happy, healthy life you dream of.

So what do you do if you spot one of them in a relationship with a friend, coworker, romantic partner, or family member? In this article, I’ll dive into some actions you can take for each of the red flags I mentioned in part one of this series.

That said, my biggest piece of advice is this. If you feel uncomfortable or bad when you are around someone, stop spending time with them.

It really is as simple as that. So as you read through the advice in the rest of this article remember that your first priority should always be to preserve your own health and happiness. So do what you need to do!

1. If they only call you when they need something…

• Practice saying no to things you don’t want to do.
• Set healthy boundaries on your time and effort.
• Tell the other person how you feel. If you really would like a closer friendship, one of the best ways is to have an honest conversation about your feelings.
• Remove them from your contacts. Stop answering their texts. Stop being the one they can count on. In short, value yourself enough to step away from the relationship that is making you feel bad.

2. If you always do what they want to do…

• Figure out why you’re always the one who compromises. Is it because you’re afraid to say no to them? Do they make it hard to say no by arguing with you or leaving when you won’t do what they want? Do you say yes just to keep the peace? Are you repeating patterns you learned from past relationships? Once you understand why this is happening, you can make decisions about how to deal with it.
• Have an honest conversation about your feelings. You may be surprised to learn that they didn’t even notice it was happening.
• Suggest compromises that allow you both to get what you want.
• There are some things you should never compromise on. If your compromises affect your safety, your integrity, your identity, your opinions, or your independence, it’s a warning that your relationship is not just unhealthy — it may be abusive.

3. If they often say things that hurt your feelings…

• Have a frank, private conversation with the person about their behavior and your feelings.
• Learn some strategies for dealing with adult bullies.
• Stay away from them. This article in Good Housekeeping has lots of tips for ending a toxic friendship.
• I talked about ways to deal with a stressful work situation here.

4. If they don’t get excited for you when things go well…

When you’ve got good news to share, call someone who will congratulate you and be excited. In fact, spend more time in general with people who value you and your accomplishments. You’ll feel better about yourself, and set yourself up for more successes.

5. If you feel like you can’t be yourself around them…

Find friends and places where you can be yourself. If possible, avoid people who make you feel like you have to hide who you are. And if you find you’re masking or hiding your identity most of the time, please reach out for help to a therapist or support group.

6. If they put you down in front of other people…

Stay away from them. This isn’t just a form of bullying, it’s a power play. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives. And if the people around them think it’s funny, think about spending less time with them, too. If you have to spend time with them, though, you can try calling them out on it and asking them to stop. This article from The Muse has great advice on how to deal with a workplace bully.

7. If you’re constantly afraid you’ll say something that will make them angry…

If you can’t avoid the person who is making you feel this way altogether, try these strategies you can use to deal with someone else’s anger and to protect yourself.

• Control what you can. If your boss gets angry every time they have to do expense reports and takes it out on the team, find someone to take it off of their hands. You shouldn’t have to do it, but it will make life easier for everyone in the office.
• Recognize your reaction to their anger and learn to manage it. Take some deep breaths to help you stay calm. Listen without talking. Respond to questions briefly.
• Take some time away. Take a walk. Go get lunch. A break where you do something positive for yourself will help reduce the stress.
• Set up a time to talk about the problem.
• Don’t take it personally. Remember, their anger is not a reflection of you.
• Practice good self-care. Make sure you eat healthily, get enough exercise, and take care of your needs. It’s easier to deal with stress when your body is healthy.

8. If you spend a lot of time wondering what you did to upset them…

• Ask them what’s up. Good communication is the most important part of a healthy relationship.
• Decide how much time you want to spend being unhappy about it. Hint: the answer should be “none.”
• Hold space for them, but keep your life moving. You don’t have to cut someone out of your life just because they’re having a bad day. You can let them know you’re here if they need you — and then go on with what you’re doing.
• Let it go. Sometimes people just don’t want to spend time with you (you can check out this article for some helpful ways to recognize if this is the case). Accept it and let go of them.
• And by let go of them, I mean let go of them. No social media stalking. No showing up at your old hangouts to see what they’re doing. No asking friends what they’re up to these days. You have better things to do with your time.

9. If they want you to spend all of your time with them…

What you do about a jealous partner depends on how important the relationship is to you. If you want to hold onto it, these are some things you can do.

• Be open, honest, and trustworthy.
• Explain that you need time for yourself.
• Set clear boundaries about the time you spend together.
• Set clear expectations about your relationship.

On the other hand, red flags exist for a reason. If a possessive partner isn’t your style, it might be better to end the relationship gently before you get more involved.

What about when the jealous person isn’t your partner? It can happen in other types of relationships, too — your old high school buddy who wants to hang out every weekend even though you’ve moved on, or your parents, who still expect you to show up for family dinner every Saturday. Communication and clear boundaries are the key to reducing the stress and negativity in your life.

10. If you often feel tired after spending time with them…

Some people are just emotionally exhausting. You don’t want to be unkind to them, but they sap your energy and use up time you’d rather be doing something else. Try…

• Setting strong boundaries. If you can’t avoid seeing the person, for example, only stay for a limited time.
• Ending the relationship. If your friend or family member can’t respect the boundaries you set, you may need to end the relationship.
• Prioritizing spending time with people that make you feel good. Life is too short to only interact with people that drain your energy.

11. If you feel like they take advantage of you…

• Learn to say no when you don’t want to do something.
• Set healthy personal boundaries. Let the person know what you can do and what you won’t do.
• Prioritize the important relationships in your life, starting with your relationship with yourself.

12. If you notice yourself feeling resentful…

The key to dealing with resentment is to spend less time doing things that make you feel bad, and more time doing things you enjoy. That may mean avoiding the people you resent. It can also mean doing something about the source of the resentment. These are some ways to deal with the resentments from the examples in the last section.

• Have an honest conversation with your partner, friend, family member, or coworker and see if you can come up with a solution between you.
• Find help with your responsibilities. Everyone needs a break sometimes, and many communities have resources to help with child care, elder care, and other responsibilities.
• You could simply stop going out with those friends.
• This may be a good time to start tooting your own horn. If it’s obvious that your boss is not going to give you the recognition you want, it might be time to start looking for another boss.

13. If they try to control what you do and who you see…

Focus on what you need for yourself and your happiness. People who manipulate, coerce, or threaten you are dangerous to your mental and physical health, and possibly to your safety. This article has tips to help you get out of a controlling relationship.

14. If they make you second guess your memories and feelings…

At the first suspicion that you’re dealing with this kind of abuse, start making plans to get out of the relationship. Build up a support network of friends. Find a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships to help you get back on track. This article from NBC News has a ton of great information on how to spot gaslighting and how to take care of yourself if it is happening to you.

Final Thoughts

Remember that your relationship with yourself is the most important one you have in your life. Everyone else is secondary. So pay attention to how you feel when you are around the people you spend a lot of time with. If they leave you feeling negative or down, it’s time to make a change.

For more resources on how to do this, check out my book, Life Hacks: Simple Steps to a Healthier Life.

If you liked this article, please consider giving it a clap and following @wellnessmadeeasy on Medium for more simple ways to improve your life.